Hello my dear reader chums, as the fabulous Miranda Hart would say (yes, I had the book for Christmas too), and a quite belated happy new year to you. January’s blog post would have been sooner, were it not for flu and a great deal of snow, but one thing I have managed to accomplish this month is the pitch for my next (*crosses fingers*) trails book!

Writing trails books, it transpires, is just like childbirth. You grit your teeth the first time, shouting NEVER AGAIN, then a few months later you’re promising to do it quicker this time and hopefully without as many drugs.

The last time I wrote a trails book, the difficulty was doing all the walking and writing in the very limited time my children weren’t around. So this time I had the astounding brainwave of combining kids + trails in an imaginatively titled ‘Great Trails for Kids!’* type of book.

The snag, of course, is that the kids in question – newly nine and really nearly seven – don’t like walking.

I don’t mean they have a bit of a grumble about it before putting their best feet forward. I mean they think the wellies by the front door are for storing umbrellas in and that the walk to school is contravening their human rights, even though we can see the school from our back gate.

So whilst I have spent most of January researching and putting together a fabulous ‘Great Trails for Kids!’ pitch, the proposal for any book involving my little darlings actually should look something like this:

Trail 1: The Screen Trail

An exciting and energetic route where young trailblazers dash from one room to the next, avidly hunting the nearest screen. The idea is to leave the screen on, preferably blaring at top volume, before exiting said room in search of the next one!

Trail 2: The Animal Farm Trail

This is a delightful trail where everyone runs around the garden looking for escapee guinea pigs. In true Animal Farm style, all children on this adventure are equal, although newly-nine-year-olds are, it seems, slightly more equal than their really nearly seven-year-old siblings.

Trail 3: The Skylander Vs Hello Kitty Trail

This challenging trail requires real grit and a steely determination to defeat the enemy. Follow Tree Rex as he parachutes unceremoniously down the stairs! Find Hello Kitty when she’s absolutely not where you left her! See if you can reach the end of the trail without breakages, tears or blood!

Trail 4: The Paper Trail

Quite literally. Be it loo roll or kitchen roll, why confine its use to one room when you can weave a trail with it around five (but does it HAVE to end up in the guinea pig hutch?)?

Trail 5: The Miranda Hart Trail

My favourite trail, this involves exhausted mums sending their children to the end of the park to look for four-leafed clovers whilst we settle down under the nearest tree with our funniest Christmas celeb book. Such fun!

* ‘Great Trails for Kids!’ is currently under consideration by The Publishers. If commissioned, I promise a much better title and complimentary loo roll for all dear reader chums.